The Original Hallway from Hell
This is another one of those columns where I get to bitch about things that are going on in my life. I thoroughly enjoy this.
Today’s provocation is the incredible nuisance that has driven millions to madness - that’s right, high school hallways. I could easily complain about the crowds, but since the halls can’t be physically widened, we must concentrate on the human factors. Hallways are coliseum which showcases the countless discourtesies that our society has developed. Here is a professionally-formatted list of my complaints:
People…
- Walk too damn slow
- Stop in the middle of the hall to talk to their friends
- Are oblivious of the people around them
- Don’t hold doors open or exercise any other act of kindness
- Don’t apologize for hitting you with their backpacks
- Walk straight into you and expect you to move
- Try to cut you off even though you are moving fast enough
- Yell in your ear
- (girls specifically) Get their hair in your face
- Push and shove
I’ve thought of several solutions to these problems. First, traffic lights. We need them on the roads, and we need them in the halls. Simple electronic devices, hung from the ceiling. On a 30-second timer. Green and red. We don’t need yellow - people are already slow enough.
In keeping with our theme of highway-like solutions, I propose the school issue traffic reports. Between every class period, Mr. Yates himself will give us the most up-to-date hallway status.
“This is David Yates in the Council Rock Hall Patrol. We’re experiencing heavy buildup on the East-West Expressway, expect delays of 2-3 minutes, with a 3-way hug in the left lane that is slowing things up considerably. Be careful as you exit off the Gym expressway as the jump-ropers are having a field day.”
Perhaps, in an effort to alleviate the traffic problem, me need nothing less than a staggered schedule. Instead of having everyone in the hallway at once, the hall will constantly be traveled but never congested, because everyone’s classes start and stop at a different time. It is an extreme measure, but one that may prove worthwhile in the long run.
School traffic is an issue that we, the people of the Great Nation That Is America, must conquer together. Only together can we battle the forces of evil and ultimately become the masters of our hallways. Thank you.