Taking the Plunge
TAKING THE PLUNGE was first performed on February 14th, 2000, when the writer began to realize time was quickly running out. It was presented at several strategic locations within the home of said author, Marc Friedenberg. It was written by Marc Friedenberg, produced by Marc Friedenberg, edited by Marc Friedenberg, and directed by Woody Allen. The ideal cast for a legitimate performance, would be the following:
BOSS: Roger Herman
DICK SUMMERS: Keanu Reeves
FRIEND ONE: Tom Green
FRIEND THREE: Geraldo
FRIEND TWO: Tom Landry
JUAN: Macaulay Culkin
LOUIE: Mr. Hentz
WIFE: Mary Tyler Moore
ACT ONE: THE MONEYMAN COMETH
ACT TWO: TAKING THE PLUNGE
ACT THREE: DIVIDENDS
THE PLAYERS
DICK
A subtle, restrained looking man of 43, possibly 44, depending upon whom you ask. He is bespectacled. He is of average height and build.
WIFE
Your typical homemaker. Also MY typical homemaker. She is 5’7”, weighs 113lbs., size 6 shoe, and prefers light brown contact lenses.
JUAN
Juan is a Dennis The Menace-type character with puppy-dog eyes and a penchant for buggery.
LOUIE
You’ll never know what to expect with Louie. He alternates between Armani suits and trashy t-shirts, a throwback to his bum days. He looks like Christopher Lloyd.
THE COMPUTER
The computer is a Dell XPS with a beige outer case. It has a large 21” monitor and is utterly filled with wires and circuitry. It makes an un-natural whirring noise throughout the day and a faint chirping during the night, which cannot be explained through ordinary means.
ACT ONE
THE MONEYMAN COMETH
We are in an office. Papers and files are strewn across the floor. Things are in a state of disarray. Focus on a single desk, where a man is on the telephone.DICK. Mrs. Vanderbilt, I don’t think you are making a wise decision.
VANDERBILT. (Condescendingly) Mr. Summers, I read specifically that online trading is quicker and better than working with a broker such as yourself.
DICK. Ma’am, I’m sure I can…
VANDERBILT. I’ve heard enough. I’d simply like to cancel my account with you. Your fees are just too high. I’ve had it up to here with the hoops you people…
DICK. Ma’am, I assure you we are doing nothing with hoops of any sort. I would be terribly sorry to lose you, as you are one of our best customers. Perhaps I could just…
VANDERBILT. Dick, I don’t have time for this. Make your point or I’ll be going.
DICK. Yes, ma’am. I was just going to say that perhaps day trading isn’t the right thing for you. I’ve heard some horrible stories.
VANDERBILT. And what would those stories be, Mr. Summers?
DICK. I’ve heard stories about people who lost their lives to day trading. It can often prove to be a bad decision.
VANDERBILT. I don’t see how anyone can lose their lives to a silly computer.
DICK. That’s where the trouble is, Mrs. Vanderbilt. No one sees the trouble they are in until it is too late. People pour all their time and energy into picking and selling stocks. There is nothing left of the lives.
VANDERBILT. I doubt that would happen to me. I don’t have an addictive personality.
DICK. So much is obvious, Mrs. Vanderbilt. And either do I. But people can change rather quickly. I would hate to see you have any sort of trouble. Perhaps you can stay one month longer with the Dean-Martin-Singer firm?
VANDERBILT. I don’t know…I came here with the express condition of canceling my account with you…
DICK. I think you would enjoy the peace of mind that you get from us.
DICK. (Frantically) I beg of you.
VANDERBILT. (Giving up) I will give you one month and one month alone. I expect you will be making a sizable commission on my extended time here?
DICK. Ma’am, I don’t see how my finances relate in any way to…
VANDERBILT. I’ve heard enough. You have your month, but I am going home this instant to learn more about this day trading concept. If I sign up in the next two weeks I get a free month of internet access. Good day to you sir.
(Exit Vanderbilt)
DICK. (With relief, to himself) The boss is gonna’ love this.
Lights fade for a few moments, then come back on again. The phone rings.
CALLER. Hi, this is Charles McHugh.
DICK. Ah, Mr. McHugh, how are you?
MCHUGH. I am well, Mr. Summers, and youself?
DICK. I am quite well, thank you, quite well. How can I help you today sir?
MCHUGH. I have a few questions about these things which the media is calling “tech stocks.”
DICK. This is going to be trouble.
MCHUGH. What do you mean? I am not even clear as to what these things are.
DICK. Tech stocks are stocks in primarily-technological companies. Perhaps you have heard of Dell, Microsoft, or Amazon.com?
MCHUGH. I’m afraid I haven’t.
DICK. Dell is a direct-order computer manufacturer. You order a computer, they build it and ship it right away. They hold no inventory. Microsoft is a software company which is tremendously successful, so much so that they are now under investigation by the Department of Justice. Lastly, Amazon.com is an online commerce company. They sell books, movies, and music online at a discount.
MCHUGH. These sound like good companies to me.
DICK. Some of them are. Dell and Microsoft are companies that are run by knowledgeable businessmen and have a legitimate product. They have built a base for success. Amazon.com is a bit more risky.
MCHUGH. Why is that? I think I would myself like to purchase books online, if there is a discount as you say there is.
DICK. Yes, the service might be good, but the stock is tremendously overvalued.
MCHUGH. (With bewilderment) What do you mean?
DICK. Let’s take a look at an example. If Standard Widget has $1000, each of the 10 shares should be worth $100. But, because of the upcoming release of Super Widget 2001, the stock price is now $200. When you take that $200 and multiply it by the 10 shares, you get $2000, which is twice what the company should be worth. This isn’t good business practice.
MCHUGH. And Amazon.com has this problem?
DICK. Yes, and Microsoft and Dell do too, to a lesser extent. They are all part of this “booming e-conomy.” It is very risky. Shares can go up and down on the slightest hint of inflation or if Alan Greenspan blinks too often.
MCHUGH. So you think I should stay away from these companies with my investments?
DICK. Absolutely. Unless you know a lot about computers and the internet, which neither of us do, it just doesn’t make good investment sense.
MCHUGH. Alright, Mr. Summers, thank you for the information. Will we be having breakfast sometime soon?
DICK. (Affably) I’ll have my secretary call you. Good day, Mr. McHugh.
(Exit McHugh)
Dick’s phone rings once again. He nods several times, then promptly hangs up and gets out of his chair. The scene is now a medium-sized meeting room. Several professional-looking professionals are professionally seated at their professional table, which is professionally crafted out of oak. All in all, the scene looks rather professional.
BOSS. OK, quiet everybody. Quiet down now. There. This meeting is very important Dean-Martin-Singer. I’ve been seeing something which I see rather discouraging lately…
EMPLOYEE. If it’s about the missing staplers, I SWEAR it wasn’t me.
(Silence)
BOSS. Have that man fired. Moving on. The problem, as you may or may not know, is this thing called “day trading”. It seems that e*trade and Americanexpress.com and companies of this nature are undercutting our business. Their $8 trades are far more attractive than are high percentages. Because of this, online trading and day trading are growing in popularity. I want your thoughts about this, guys, before our job turns into a thing of the past.
EMPLOYEE. Maybe we should consider doing $8 trades ourselves.
BOSS. (Shaking his head) Not unless you want to take a salary cut yourself. Our expenses are too high for that. Summers, you’re one of our top men. What do you think?
DICK. Well, boss, I’ve been dealing with this issue for awhile now. It seems mostly that we can change people’s minds by pointing out the risks of day trading. Once they know about the lack of support, and the dangers of an errant mouse click, and roller coaster tickers, they usually stay with us.
BOSS. (Smiling) Summers is on to something, everyone. We didn’t need to change. We need to stay EXACTLY the same, just more so. We have always been number one because of our knowledge, not because of our low prices. Good work, Summers.
DICK. Thanks Mr. Fertik.
FERTIK. Alright, that’s all for today. See you guys again tomorrow, same time, same place.
(Everyone begins to leave)
FERTIK. Summers, come here for a moment?
DICK. (Startled) Me, sir?
FERTIK. Yes, you. You ARE Summers, aren’t you?
DICK. Of course, sir.
FERTIK. Come here then. I’ve been wanting to talk to you in private.
DICK. (Inquisitively) About what, sir?
FERTIK. I like what I see with you, Dick. You’re a consistent money-maker for this firm, and I can’t say that about too many people.
DICK. Thank you, sir.
FERTIK. I just want you to know there is room for you to grow here, if you catch my drift.
DICK. Yes, sir. I do, sir.
FERTIK. Alright then. I’ll see you tomorrow. Keep up the good work.
DICK. I will, sir. I’ll see you tomorrow.
New scene. We are taken to a dirty, dingy bar which is capped by a thick layer of cigarette smoke. We can hear a football game in the background, along with hearty laughter and the glass-like clanging of beer bottles. Dick is seated at a table with a group of men who look just as white-collar as he does.
FRIEND ONE. (Laughing uncontrollably) So then the rabbit says, get this….wait, come on….
FRIEND TWO. (Impatiently) What did he say?
FRIEND ONE. The rabbit, he says, ‘Madam, you may be Winston Churchill, but I believe I am your husband.’ Get it? The rabbit!
FRIEND TWO. (In disbelief) That was the WORST joke I have ever heard.
FRIEND ONE. It was just too sophisticated for you. My buddy Dick here gets it.
DICK. (Startled) Gets what?
FRIEND ONE. Man, I thought you were listening to me.
DICK. (Apologetically) Sorry, I guess my mind must be somewhere else today.
FRIEND TWO. I bet you’ll find it on Wall Street.
DICK. (Defensively) What is THAT supposed to mean?
FRIEND THREE. You know what it’s supposed to mean. For the past few months all you’ve been talking about is the stock market this and the stock market that. We’re all sick of it.
DICK. Come on now, that’s not true. There’s more to my life than that.
FRIEND ONE. (Making an accusation) We didn’t say anything about your life.
(A pause)
DICK. It doesn’t matter. I’m actually in a good mood today. The boss started talking about promoting me.
FRIEND ONE. (Sarcastically) La-dee-dah, Mr. Big Shot. What’s all this about?
DICK. I think he likes how I’ve convinced some of my clients to stay with Dean-Martin-Singer rather than trade stocks online.
FRIEND TWO. Is that the same as day-trading?
DICK (Like a broken-record, in monotone) Online investing allows you to trade stocks all day long, even after hours, without the percentage-based broker’s commission.
FRIEND THREE. Translation, please.
DICK. Trading online is cheaper, usually only $8 or $10 per trade.
FRIEND ONE. So why doesn’t everyone do this?
DICK. Because people like me convince them not to. Listen guys, I’ve got a headache. I’ll see you later.
ALL. So long, Dick. Catch you later.
(Exit Dick)
Dick is walking home when he passes an extraordinary mansion. He sees the owner getting his mail from the box. He looks strangely familiar. Dick suddenly figures out who it is.
DICK. (Shouting) Louie! Louie!
LOUIE. (Startled, looking out front) Who is it?
DICK. Louie Stevenson! It’s me, Dick Summers.
LOUIE. (Doubtfully) I don’t know any Dick Summers.
DICK. Yes you do! Dick Summers, from Harvard Business!
LOUIE. Oh my God! Dick Summers. Dick Summers! It’s been forever! Hold on!
(Louie unlocks imposing-looking gates and greets his old friend)
LOUIE. (Actually caring) How are you?
DICK. Oh, I’m alright. But take a look at you. You’re living in a mansion!
LOUIE. (With pride) Yeah, yeah, I’ve done alright for myself, if I do say so.
DICK. How did you do it? No offense, but accountants don’t make enough money to maintain this lifestyle.
LOUIE. You’re right. They don’t. As a matter of fact, I’m not even an accountant. I was fired.
DICK. (In disbelief) So how are you living HERE?
LOUIE. The stock market, man.
DICK. It can’t be. The market averages only a six or seven percent return, maximum.
LOUIE. (Enigmatically) I guess I’m a little bit better than average.
DICK. What did you do?
LOUIE. Tech stocks. Tech stocks. And more tech stocks. In 5 years I’ve been able to buy all of this. It’s on credit, of course, but I’ll have the money to back it up.
DICK. Of course.
LOUIE. These things are create. I invested in Microsoft back in 1995. The investment was exponential. I’m really well off now.
DICK. Where did you get the money for all those shares?
LOUIE. Most of them I bought on margin. Even then, they weren’t that expensive.
DICK. How did you know to pick that particular company?
LOUIE. What a rookie question! You know you’re only supposed to buy stock in companies that you are familiar with. I used Window 3.1 every day at work. It was a great product. I knew I wanted to invest in Microsoft…You know what?
DICK. What?
LOUIE. I think you should consider buying tech stocks?
DICK. (Shaking his head) Me? Nah, I don’t…
LOUIE. (Interrupting) Seriously, you should consider it. You’ve got plenty of experience. And you’re pretty well off in the finance department.
DICK. Those things might be true, but I’ve heard…
LOUIE. Whatever rumors you hear are just that – rumors. Online investing, day trading, tech stocks – they all go together – has really paid off for me and it would pay off for you.
DICK. (Timidly) I’m pretty well off at Dean-Martin-Singer. I don’t think I would want to…
LOUIE. Hey buddy, I’m not suggesting you quit work or do anything crazy like that. I’m just saying you could make a few extra bucks on the side if you feel like it. That’s all.
DICK. I wouldn’t even know where to start. It’s my job to keep people from doing this.
LOUIE. I know, I know. But have you really done all the research.? Here, let me give you a resource to check out.
Louie takes out a notepad and scribbles down some websites where Louie can get more information.
LOUIE. I really suggest you look at those sites…Wait, do you even have a computer? Can you even go online?
DICK. (Ashamed) Well, it’s pretty old, I don’t use it a lot…
LOUIE. Can you go on the Internet?
DICK. If by “Internet” you mean “the global network of…
LOUIE. Dick, you shame me. A stock broker who doesn’t even have internet access.
DICK. I’ve been meaning to check it out.
LOUIE. Alright, whatever. Listen. Take a trip over to the library or one of those “cyber-cafe’s” this weekend and look at those sites. I think you’ll really be pleased with what you see.
DICK. (Defeated) OK, I’ll do it.
LOUIE. (Victoriously) That’s more like it.
DICK. (Making excuses) Listen, Lou, I really have to get going. It’s been a long day. I’ll talk to you later.
LOUIE. So long, buddy. Good luck.
Dick continues to walk home. He has had a long day, as he told Louie. He feels something is wrong with his current job but he just can’t put his finger on it. As he walks around the corner onto Wall Street, he sees his son Juan tossing a ball into the air and catching it himself. Dick tries to sneak up on his son.
JUAN. (Without eye contact, continuing to throw the ball) . I know you’re there, dad.
DICK. (With feigned surprise) What? I could have sworn…
JUAN. I can always tell what you are doing.
DICK. That’s mighty big talk for a little man such as yourself. What are you doing, anyway?
JUAN. I’m just practicing for our catch you promised me.
DICK. I don’t remember promising anything…I have an appointment with…
JUAN. (Hiding disappointment) I understand.
DICK. (To the audience) This is playing out like a B-movie. (To Juan) Listen, if you want tomorrow we can…
JUAN. (Walking away) I don’t want to do anything.
Juan exits, leaving his glove and ball behind.
DICK. (To himself, trailing off) I really don’t remember promising anything.
Dick picks up his sons possessions and walks inside. Inside, your typical home-maker is preparing dinner, most likely some sort of spaghetti dinner, perhaps some garlic bread. The bread is good though a little stale. The spaghetti is delicious, perhaps an 8.5 out of 10. It’s subjective, I live it to the director’s discretion. Maybe a 8.8, on second thought, but I digress.DICK. Honey? Honey, are you here?
Dick’s wife walks in, carrying a baby. We assume the baby is hers.
WIFE. I’m here. I’ve been here all day.
DICK. That’s nice, honey. I’ll tell you, I’ve had a rough day.
WIFE. (Angered) YOU’VE a rough day?
DICK. (Slowly) Yeah.
WIFE. Oh, ok, I have no follow-up comment on that.
DICK. (Relaxed) Good, I thought you were going to talk endlessly about how you had to vacuum the floors, and feed the kids, and repair the refrigerator, and clean the dishes…
WIFE. Yeah, that whole speech is a bit hackneyed.
DICK. Anyway, I had a rough day.
WIFE. Really?
DICK. Yeah. The firm’s been losing a lot of clients to this online trading deal. It’s my job to convince them to stay, but I’ve been having some second thoughts.
WIFE. We can’t afford to have second thoughts. We rely upon you being able to sell what the firm wants.
DICK. I know that, honey, but I ran into an old friend of mine today. Louie Stevenson, we went to school together. Did you ever meet him?
WIFE. I meet a lot of your friends, they all mostly blend into one blob of losers in my mind.
DICK. (Pausing) Yeah, Louie Stevenson. So it turns out my friend has made a lot of money from trading stocks online.
WIFE. I hear that sort of thing can drive you crazy?
DICK. What do you mean?
WIFE. I hear people get addicted to it, like tobacco or something.
DICK. Yeah, I talk to my clients about that. Usually though that only happens to weak-willed people.
WIFE. It’s really a shame some people can’t control themselves.
DICK. Yeah, I think education is the solution to that whole problem. But let’s return to my buddy Louie. He really thinks that e*trade and other services of this nature are good to check out.
WIFE. And why would you take his advice? I heard he still lives with his parents in Cambridge.
DICK. It’s actually more of a mansion.
WIFE. (In shock).Are you kidding me?!?!?!
DICK. (Smiling) Let’s check this out.
We now see Dick seated in a cramped room with an old computer, at the etrade.com web site. He is mumbling to himself.
DICK. OK, let’s see here. I have to put up $1000 dollars initially. Then I have to pay $8.95 per trade. Well, that seems pretty decent. But I don’t know. What do I want to buy?
Dick thinks to himself.
DICK. Well, let’s see here. What I usually recommend to my clients are more traditional stocks like GE. I should probably do that myself. But I don’t want GE. I want something a little more wholesome.
More thinking.
DICK. Of course! Coca-Cola. That company has made money nearly every quarter of its existence. I think I’ll take…5 shares. Juan would like this. Those annual reports look really neat and have pictures of little polar bears and stuff. He’ll get a kick out of that. Now, how do I place an order…Here we are. “Buy”. A cleverly titled button. Let’s see…5 shares at the buying price of 49 equals 245. That’s not so bad. It even leaves a little bit to play around with, but that’s for another day.
Dick signs off and begins to shut down the computer.
DICK. Well, that wasn’t so bad. Some innocent fun, maybe I’ll make a little bit of money. Maybe Louie was on to something here.
Several days pass, and Dick makes money as the price of Coke shoots up to 55 dollars. He decides to visit his friend Louie to give him the news. We are now at Louie’s mansion.
LOUIE. Ah, Dick, you’ve come back. How are you?
DICK. Pretty good actually, I’ve been playing around with the stock market.
LOUIE. (Elated).Have you really? That’s fantastic! I told you, these tech stocks are fabulous!
DICK. Well, I didn’t really say anything about tech stocks…
LOUIE. You’re telling me you DIDN’T buy a .com?
DICK. Well, I couldn’t really figure out how to…
LOUIE. Don’t lie to me. What did you buy?
DICK. Coca-Cola, 5 shares, I made a few bucks…
LOUIE. A FEW BUCKS?!?!? If you had bought Microsoft just the last time I talked to you would have made 25%!!!
DICK. 25%?
LOUIE. Something around that, yeah. Maybe 10 or 15. But the point is, you screwed up. The whole point of day trading is to buy TECH STOCKS. Not SUGARED WATER. You really let me down.
DICK. (Rudely) I didn’t think I owed you anything.
LOUIE. Listen, I’m only trying to help you out. Just buy some tech stocks. I GUARANTEE you will be ecstatic with the results.
DICK. I’ll see what I can do.
LOUIE. That’s what I like to hear. Now get out of here.
DICK. I’ll come back next week. Goodbye.
Dick leaves Louie’s house and walks home, going straight to his home office. He boots up his computer and logs on to etrade.com yet again.
DICK. OK, Mr. Stevenson wants to see me with some tech stocks, so that’s exactly what he’ll get. I’ll beat him at his own game!!
Dick begins laughing to himself. He makes a series of clicks that is so fast the audience must assume that he has no clue what he is doing.
DICK. (Angered) Dammit, this computer is so slow! This internet is so slow! I can’t trade under these conditions. (Shouting downstairs to his wife) Honey, get my wallet. I’m going shopping.
ACT TWO
Taking the Plunge
Dick goes to a computer store to investigate the options. It is a cluttered place, filled with computer parts and manuals. The attendee is a rude, overweight, obnoxious man by the name of Josh Q. Dick walks in, looking confused, which is when he begins to mutter
DICK. Hmmm….Interesting….What is this? Excuse me.
A pause
DICK. Excuse me.
JOSH. Unintelligible grumbling.Yeah, what do ya want…
DICK. Sir, I have a few questions please.
JOSH. What do you want to know?
DICK. Well, I’m interested in buying a computer. What can you tell me about…this one right here.
JOSH. Well, that’s an iMac.
DICK. An iMac, eh?
JOSH. Yeah, it’s an iMac.
DICK. Really? I might be interested in a decent computer like this one.
Josh comes out from behind the counter when he realizes the potential sale.
JOSH. This is a great computer. It’s really fast, it’s got a 13 gigabyte hard drive.
DICK. 13 gigabytes, yeah, I have no clue what that is.
JOSH. It’s big, it’s got a lot of space.
DICK. Big is good.
JOSH. Yeah, and it can get on the internet too.
DICK. Yes, that’s exactly what I’m looking for. I want to go on the internet. AOL, what you will.
JOSH. Three steps, you’re on your way, you’re on the internet, boom, at the speed of light through space, through cyberspace.
DICK. Wow, that’s great, and besides these powerful things you’re telling me about, this computer is great to look at.
Childishly, Dick kisses the beautiful, beautiful iMac.
JOSH. Sir, please don’t kiss the computer until you have purchased it.
DICK. (Sheepishly) I’m sorry. But I will take two of these though.
JOSH. I’ll go right to the store room, I’ll be right back.
Josh goes to the store room. He comes back looking ashamed.
JOSH. I’m sorry sir, if you want an iMac you’ll have to wait 3 or 4 weeks…unless you REALLY want it.
Dick perceives this request for a bribe, and pulls $40 from his wallet and stuffs it in Josh’s hands.
JOSH. Thank you sir.
Once more Josh goes to the store room, this time coming back with an iMac box.
JOSH. Here’s one, I forgot to look in the store room here.
He hands Dick the box.
DICK. Fantastic. The store room, who would have suspected it? This is great.
Dick leaves the scene temporarily while he puts the computer in his car. He comes back in.
JOSH. So, um, what are you using this computer for anyway?
DICK. Well, basically, I want to do online trading. I want to buy stocks. Do you know anything about that?
JOSH. Yeah, we’ll, I’ve done a little bit of that, not too much, just once in a while I want to check it out to see if its any good.
DICK. Are you informed about stocks? Do you know whats going on?
JOSH. Well, the web sites usually do a pretty good job with that, they give statistics and charts and stuff. So…what do you think you’ll be using to do this trading?
DICK. Well, to tell you the truth, I’m a stock broker myself. I work for Dean-Martin-Singer. We’ve been losing a lot of money and clients to this online investing thing. I myself have been able to keep most of my clients. Other brokers haven’t been so lucky; a few have been laid off. I basically just want to check out what my clients are up to and be informed. I’d like to use etrade. Do you know anything about that?
JOSH. Well, yeah.
DICK. Do you have any information about that?
JOSH. Hold on, I think I’ve got some stuff in back. Let me check.
Josh goes behind the counter again to gather some materials for Dick.
JOSH. OK, here you go.
He hands Dick an envelope stuffed with papers, which Dick browses through.
DICK. Can I keep this?
JOSH. Sure, etrade sends us tons of them. Its got all the information there on what to do. You have to set up an account with them. Give them your credit card, and you can do stocks for about eight bucks a trade.
As we know, Dick has already done this, but he plays dumb with the store employee.
DICK. This says $4.95. Our firm charges a decent 10%. This looks pretty good. I’ll check this out. Now, this etrade website, do they offer everything, is there something I have to supplant this with…
JOSH. Well, you get a lot of what you need, but if you really want to trade, you gotta get Level II software.
DICK. Level II…I have no clue what that is.
JOSH. It’s very good software, let me get you some information on that.
Once again, Josh goes back behind the counter.
DICK. (Almost to himself) You’re being incredibly helpful, I can’t emphasize this enough.
JOSH. Here you go, use this little packet. It should give you the full story.
Dick flips through the highly-technical manual, looking perplexed.
DICK. Let’s see…Level II software…I don’t understand any of this. JOSH. Well, I wouldn’t worry about it. It’s very technical, but I’m sure you’ll get the hang of it.
DICK. This looks like garbage to me.
JOSH. Listen, what it does is, it gives you up to date information on all stocks, to the minute.
DICK. That’s what I want. I want to be updated.
JOSH. It tells you everything you need to know about stocks, about their trading and all that kind of stuff.
DICK. (Thinking) Yeah, well…Can I use this? Is this hard to learn?
JOSH. Definitely. I have a few left…Do you want to buy it?
DICK. Well, I don’t know, I just spent about $4000 on a computer…
JOSH. If you want to trade…
DICK. Yeah, I’m definitely interested in trading.
JOSH. That is some good software right there.
DICK. (Like a seasoned barterer) Alright, level with me here, how much is this going to cost me?
JOSH. $2000 sir and worth EVERY penny.
DICK. (Giving up) Alright, $2000. This is insane. Give me one before I can rethink this.
JOSH. (Handing the box to Dick) You’re not going to regret this. This is the manual, the CD, everything. You’re all set to go. It’s gonna be great, you’ll love it. You’ll spend your whole life trading like crazy.
DICK. OK…well…you trade stocks. What do you buy mostly?
JOSH. Well, I like the tech stocks, Yahoo, Microsoft.
DICK. Yeah, I’ve heard people talking about these stocks. But I’ve also heard they’re unreliable, that their price jumps up and down.
JOSH. Yeah, some people say the stocks are overpriced.
DICK. These are concerns that I deal with almost every day at work. People like more reliable stocks like food, something that people always have a need for. (Lying again) That’s why I’m really looking for Coca-Cola stock.
JOSH. Yeah, Coca-Cola sounds good.
DICK. (Trying to leave) Wow, I’ll have to get back to you on this. This sounds really exciting. Thanks a lot, you’ve been very helpful.
Dick shakes hands with the salesman.
JOSH. (Secure that he’s made a health commission) Bye-bye now.
Dick gathers his papers and leaves the store. Now we are back at his home office once again. He is trying to install his new software.
DICK. Let’s see here. It says I have to load the main autorun file onto my bootable disk. Then I have to double-click the executable in order to start the installation procedure. OK…I don’t understand any of this. Let’s just push a few buttons and see what happens. This manual is for the birds.
Dick goes through a series of wild clicks like he did when he was buying his Coke stock.DICK. There, I think that did the trick. Let’s launch the program…OK, this isn’t so bad. What do I want to buy? I told Louie I would buy some tech stocks. I don’t see why I owe him anything. He seems pretty rude to me. Anyway, let’s just see what happens. What have I heard of before?…OK, how about AOL? They seem like a decent company. I pay them $21.95 a month anyway, I might as well get a piece of that back. The current price is 51. I think I can afford to buy a lot of this. How about…500 shares? $25,500. That sounds decent. Thank god for my job, I can afford to play around with this stuff. OK, this is just like what I do for my job, I just click the “Buy” button here, and…WHAT IS THIS?!? I didn’t buy it at 53, I bought it at 51!! Damn, I here this happens sometimes. My finger isn’t fast enough I suppose. I just lost $1000 in 30 seconds! I don’t like how this is starting off…I’m outta here. I’ll check back tomorrow.
Dick shuts off his computer and decides to go let out some steam. One day passes, and we are back at his computer yet again.
DICK. Alright, let’s see how much my investment has paid off…The current price of an AOL share is…$65!! That’s fantastic!! I’ve never made so much money in one day! Louie was right! I better sell this stuff, and keep what I’ve made. I want to be cautious here, not like the insane guy in Atlanta who shot up his co-workers. OK, for $8.95 or whatever crazy number I pay per trade, I think I can afford to make these two transactions so close. I wouldn’t dare recommend that to one of MY clients. This is great. I’m gonna go tell Louie right now. (To his wife) Honey, I’m going for a little walk. I might be a few minutes late for dinner.
For the first time in a great while, Dick shuts down his computer and is actually happy with what it has done for him. He puts on his jacket and is out the door. The scene changes, and for a third time we are in Louie’s gigantic house, but now in his computer room. There are four large computers, many small television sets (all tuned to CNBC), and countless telephones.
DICK. I’ve done it.
LOUIE. (Distractedly, working on his computer) Done what?
DICK. I’ve done what you said. I’ve bought AOL!
LOUIE. (Without flinching) Oh, that’s nice.
DICK. (Surprised) What, not good enough?
LOUIE. (Stopping his work, turning his chair towards Dick) No, no. AOL is a fine stock. A fine stock. But…
DICK. But what?
LOUIE. Well, you know, it is sort of an amateur ‘s pick.
DICK. And what is THAT supposed to mean??
LOUIE. Nothing, it’s just that…a REAL tech investor wouldn’t pick AOL. But maybe that’s not for you.
DICK. Listen here. I’m a PROFESSIONAL stock broker. I’ve had training. Don’t go telling me that I’m not a “REAL” investor. What’s wrong with AOL?
LOUIE. Well, its too popular. Rookies buy it.
DICK. (Extremely angered) And what do veterans buy?
A pause.
LOUIE. I’m gonna let you on to a little secret. Have you ever heard of interSlice.com?
DICK. No.
LOUIE. Exactly!
DICK. Exactly what?
LOUIE. Of course you haven’t heard of it!! No one has!! It’s the ideal tech stock!! Who knows what they make? Who knows if they make a profit? Who cares? It’s a dot com!!
DICK. And what’s so great about that?
LOUIE. Only that…it’s having an IPO next week.
(EDITOR: See director’s notes for information regarding this)
DICK. Oh really?
LOUIE. That’s right, friend.
DICK. Well maybe THIS veteran investor might want a piece of that.
LOUIE. You might, but you can’t get any.
DICK. (Surprised) And why is that?
LOUIE. It’s a private IPO. Only certain people can buy at the initial price.
DICK. What certain people?
LOUIE. Me certain people.
DICK. So why are you telling me this? Are you taunting me?
LOUIE. No. I want to give you a chance to make a little pocket change.
DICK. And how am I supposed to do that?
LOUIE. Buy some interSlice.
DICK. And how am I supposed to do that? You said it was a closed offering.
LOUIE. To you, yes. To me, no. You can buy it in my name. When you tell me to sell, I’ll sell. Then I’ll give you your money.
DICK. Why would you do that for me?
LOUIE. I like to take care of my friends. I’d hate to see you miss out on this.
DICK. Do you think this stock will go up a little?
LOUIE. Do I think it will go up a little? I GUARANTEE it will go up TREMENDOUSLY!
DICK. If this stock is as good as you say it is, then I’m willing to spend a little on it. How much will…$50,000 get me?
LOUIE. (Smiling) Plenty. I’ll get you the info.
DICK. I’ll give you the money next week after I go to the bank. I have to get some money for my kid’s birthday gift, too.
LOUIE. Fantastic. You’re making a great decision.
DICK. I hope so. See you next week.
LOUIE. Oh, by the way Dick, I’ll be going to a stockholder meeting in two weeks. I won’t be back for a while.
DICK. Have fun. I’ll have your money next week.
Dick says goodbye to his friend, and walks home. The next week, he goes to the bank, and takes about $50,025 (for Louie and Juan). He gives it to Louie. Then he goes back to his computer.
DICK. Well, I’m taking the plunge, I suppose. First, let me sell this Coke crap. It’s only holding me back. I think with that money I’ll by a little Microsoft. Well, that didn’t get me much. Let’s buy a little Yahoo. Oh, eBay looks good. While I’m at it, I hear good things about Amazon.com. mp3.com is doing well. I’ll take some local stock, too, maybe Vertical Net. There, that’s good for one night. I’ll check back in the morn…Wait, what’s this? An investing chat room? This looks interesting.
Dick spends a few moments. Then he types his first message, “Has anyone ever heard of interSlice?”. No one responds. Dick figures he must be getting a hot deal if no one has heard of it. But he does see one message in particular that piques his interest.DICK. Wow, a person going by the name SteveCase2384 is recommending a stock called Consolidated Global Solutions. He (she?) says it’s a hot deal, that is has an IPO tomorrow. This I don’t want to miss!
Dick makes a mental note of the company. Then he goes down to dinner.WIFE. How was your day? We haven’t spoken in a while.
DICK. It was good. I think the boss is still thinking about that promotion.
WIFE. Really? That’s fabulous! I wanted to tell you about…
The phone rings.
DICK. I’ll get that.
Dick gets up from the table.
DICK. Hello?
CALLER. Hey Dick. It’s Lou.
DICK. Yeah, what’s up Dick?
LOUIE. Listen buddy, I’ve got some bad news.
DICK. What’s that?
LOUIE. I’m getting told now that there is a minimum $100,000 investment for interSlice. I’ll just give you back your money tomorr…
DICK. Don’t bother. $100,000, you say? No problem. I’ll pay up. I trust you.
LOUIE. Hey, you’re a good man. I was hoping I wouldn’t have to ask you.
DICK. I’ll go to the bank again to get you the balance.
LOUIE. Listen, I have some warnings to…
DICK. Louie, I’m in the middle of dinner. We’ll talk later.
LOUIE. Oh, sorry, I didn’t know. I’ll see you tomorrow. Bye.
DICK. Bye.
Dick hangs up the phone and sits down at the table.
WIFE. Who was that?
DICK. (Lying again) Wrong number.
WIFE. You were talking for a while.
DICK. He had a cool British accent. I felt like listening to it for a while.
WIFE. (Trying to hold back laughter) You’re such a smart ass.
DICK. That’s why you love me.
WIFE. That and the money.
Dick is pretty sure his wife is joking.
JUAN. (With youthful enthusiasm) Dad, what did you get me? What did you get me?
DICK. Why would I get you…
DICK. (Realizing he forgot to buy a gift for Juan’s birthday).Haha, just kidding. The present is in my closet.
Dick dashes upstairs and takes out his $25 cash. He stuffs it in an etrade envelope and runs back downstairs.DICK. (Panting) Here you go, sport, just what you wanted.
JUAN. Cash? I wanted baseball cards!
DICK. Cash can be exchanged for goods, like baseball cards.
JUAN. I guess…
DICK. That’s the spirit. Happy birthday. (To wife) So, what’s for dinner?
WIFE. The usual, spaghetti.
DICK. That’s good.
The family eats dinner.
DICK. Honey, I think I need to take off work tomorrow.
WIFE. What for? Are you sick?
DICK. Yeah, something like that.
WIFE. If you say so…
The real reason Dick has taken off is to watch Consolidated Global Solutions during the day, which he couldn’t do at work. He works on his computer all day. It turns out the stock went up 50% in its first day, and Dick made money off of this. The scene is now Dean-Martin-Singer, where Dick is working.BOSS. Summers, what are you up to?
DICK. I’m just finishing up these files, sir.
BOSS. Excellent, excellent. You’ve helped this firm out tremendously the last few months, I just wanted to tell you that.
DICK. Yes, you’ve told me that before sir.
BOSS. Oh, sorry. It’s true though. We need you here.
DICK. Thank you sir.
ACT Three
Dividends
Dick is back at the dinner table, this time just with his wife.
WIFE. How was work today?
DICK. Good, good.
WIFE. That’s nice.
DICK. I quit.
WIFE. Quit what?
DICK. I quit work.
WIFE. No you didn’t!
DICK. Yes, I did.
WIFE. Stop kidding around with me.
DICK. No, I’m done. I packed up my office and everything.
WIFE. Why would you do such a STUPID thing?!?!
DICK. I found a new and better way to make money for the family.
WIFE. And what exactly would that be?
DICK. Day trading, honey, you’ll fall in love with it.
WIFE. I certainly will not.
DICK. But I’ve already made money on it.
WIFE. More than you made at Dean-Martin-Singer?
DICK. No..but that’s not the point. Louie told me about this great new company…
WIFE. Louie?!?! Louie?!?! You actually took advice from Louie?!?! That man is garbage!! He’s filth!! He lives with his parents!!
DICK. No, he lives in a mansion.
WIFE. I don’t care where he lives. He gave you bad advice. You’ll go back to work tomorrow, maybe they’ll take you back.
DICK. No, I won’t do it.
WIFE. Are you insane?
DICK. Not at all. I see a great opportunity for us.
WIFE. A great opportunity?!?! You don’t have a job! You don’t have a pension! You don’t have insurance! That doesn’t sound like opportunity to me!
DICK. I’ve got it all taken care of.
WIFE. I can’t talk to you…I can’t believe you.
Dick’s wife walks out in a fit of rage.
DICK. She’ll come around.
Dick is at his computer again. He goes on early in the morning. The speed of his iMac has really helped him. He makes trades left and right without knowing what he’s doing. But somehow he manages to make a few bucks by the end of the day.
DICK. This is fantastic. I knew Louie was right all along.
Dick’s wife walks into the room for the first time.
WIFE. Is THIS where you’re spending all your time?
DICK. Yeah, this is where I make all our money.
WIFE. Oh, speaking of money, there are bills to pay. Where’s your check book?
DICK. It’s in my cabinet.
WIFE. I need it.
DICK. You can have it, but there’s no money in the account.
WIFE. Why? You haven’t bought anything.
DICK. Oh, the money’s just tied up in the market. I’ll transfer it to the account this evening.
WIFE. This is out of control.
She leaves the room.
DICK. She’ll come around, eventually.
Dick makes a few more furious clicks on his keyboard. In the background, we can hear CNBC and reports of a market which has lost 200 points, a significant amount. Dick hears the news.
DICK. 200 points? Yikes, I better get out!
Dick tries to sell his stocks.
DICK. Oh no, the server is down. It won’t execute any of my trades!
OK, OK, be calm. Let’s see.
In the background we can hear that tech stocks are the ones being the most hit. Amazon.com is mentioned as the major loser.
DICK. Damn, I just bought 5,000 shares of Amazon! Sell, sell dammit! It’s still down.
Dick is breaking out into a sweat. His furious clicking continues.
DICK. OK, I’m used to this. The market will go down, but it’ll be back up again tomorrow. I’ll just wait.
5 minutes pass.
DICK. I can’t wait any longer!
It is the next day. Unfortunately, Amazon stock hasn’t risen. Dick is in serious trouble. He needs more money to continue his trading.
DICK. Where can I get some money?…Of course! InterSlice! I haven’t even checked up on that! How could I have been so stupid?
Dick rushes out the door and runs to Louie’s house. He rings on the doorbell.
DICK. Where is he?…Oh, I forgot. He said he had a stockholder meeting. Well, that explains everything…Wait. He also said he would be back in two weeks. It’s been three. I must have been out of it. He should be back by now. Anyway, I don’t need him to check the price. I have the greatest resource sitting in my office back at home.
Dick runs back home to his computer room.
DICK. OK, let’s see here. InterSlice…what would the symbol be? IS? No, they’re no listing. INS? No ISL? No, not that either. I’ll just do a symbol lookup.
Dick punches a few keys, typing “interSlice”, then clicking “Check Symbol”. The screen returns “No ticker symbol found!”.
DICK. “No ticker symbol found”? What does that mean? I’m sure I spelled it right. Oh, this Level II software isn’t as great as they make it out to be. I need the human touch, let’s check the old chat room.
Dick enters a chat room on his computer. He types “Does anyone know the current price for interSlice?”. No one responds. He types “Does anyone know the ticker symbol for interSlice?”. No one responds. He types “Does anyone know what interSlice IS?” He gets a response.RESPONSE. Yeah, I’ve heard of interSlice.
DICK. Oh, really? What’s the symbol?
RESPONSE. There is no symbol.
DICK. What do you mean? Every stock has a symbol.
RESPONSE. Not fake stocks.
DICK. What do you mean, “fake stocks”?
RESPONSE. There is no such company as interSlice.
DICK. Sure there is, my friend told me about it, I gave him $100,000 to spend on it. The money didn’t just disappear.
RESPOSNE. No, it didn’t. It’s in your friends pocket. The stock is a hoax.
DICK. A hoax?
RESPONSE. An internet rumor. A scam. A fraud. A scheme. It prays on stock buying rookies. It suckers them in.
DICK. Hey, I’m no rookie. I don’t believe you.
RESPONSE. Maybe you’re not a rookie, but you fell for a rookie trick. Here, read this article.
Dick clicks the hyperlink his interlocutor sent him. It points to a CNBC.com article about an imaginary company called interSlice which has been spreading around the internet lately, praying on “newbie” investors. Everyone who bought it lost all their money.
DICK.(Quietly, to himself) Oh my god.
The stage goes to bitch black, perhaps for 15 seconds. When the lights come on again, Dick and his wife are at a lawyer’s office. There are shelves of books all around.
DICK. Is there anything we can do to get my money back from that scum bag?
LAWYER. I’m sorry, no. You hadn’t signed a contract with Mr. Stevenson. In the eyes of the law, you GAVE him that money, like a gift.
DICK. But he gave me his word!LAWYER. That means nothing. Besides, we can’t even find Mr. Stevenson. He appears to have left town with your money.
DICK. He said he was going to a stockholders meeting.
LAWYER. He lied to you again. He appears to be quite good at that.
WIFE. But what about his mansion? Is he just going to leave it there? It’s worth far less than the money he got from Dick.
LAWYER. No, I’m afraid he doesn’t even own that mansion. He was just house-sitting it. He had nothing to lose. In fact, it turns out Mr. Stevenson lived with his parents up until his house-sitting arrangement.
WIFE. (To Dick) I told you so.
DICK. Don’t be childish.
LAWYER. (Changing the topic) I’m sorry, Mr. and Mrs. Stevenson, there is nothing more I can do for you. I wish you luck in recovering your money.
DICK. I don’t think we’ll have any.
LAWYER. You’re probably right, these types of cases very rarely work out the way people want them to. In any event, try to maintain a positive attitude. Don’t let this ruin your life. You still have a decent job, don’t you?
DICK. Something like that, yeah.
Dick’s wife gives him a cold stare.
LAWYER. Good day to you both then. Of course, there will be no charge for my services today.
WIFE. Good day, thank you.
LAWYER. Good day, Mr. Summers.
Dick and his wife exit. They head into the office building’s elevator.
WIFE. What are we going to do now?
DICK. I think I might be able to get my job back. It will take some begging though.
WIFE. What about this online trading?
DICK. What about it?
WIFE. Are you through with it?
DICK. I think so. I see how powerful it can be for some people. I had the power myself. But I didn’t know what I was doing. I made a rookie mistake. And I’m a professional broker!…or at least I was. I don’t think anyone can responsibly be a day trader. There are too many places to be taken advantage of. It’s not worth taking the plunge.