The Tales of Wintel
I hate computers. They are a gigantic, expensive, boring waste of time, money, and energy. They serve no purpose other than to enrage and infuriate me. Computers are designed by an evil government in an attempt to shape the population into a dull and motionless mixture of bewilderment and apathy.
Computers used to be my passion, but now I cannot stand to be near one. I am writing this article on a computer, and it pains me to do so. I think of the many more efficient ways I could be doing this. There are so many steps involved in creating a word-processed document. First, you must buy a computer if you have not already done so, a process that can take weeks and months, not to mention thousands of dollars. After you do that, you are entitled to paying for Microsoft Word, the de facto standard of text editors. Now your journey can really begin. You have to pick positioning and colors, spacing and bullets. Then you sit down and actually begin thinking of the content of your document, which is in actuality a secondary concern, just behind whether you should use Times New Roman or Courier New. After you have finished your work, presumably several days later, you can print your document. If it actually prints, you might want to consider going to Las Vegas, because today is your lucky day. Otherwise, you have to call technical support. Good luck with that.
You know the excitement and wonder that is word-processing. Now we get to browse the Internet. Why, on the internet, you can check your mail, get your horoscope, buy stock, chat with friends, read the news, play games, listen to music, and do research! Maybe you can, but I can’t. I am too busy waiting to sign on to AOL. I haven’t been able to yet, but maybe tomorrow. Yahoo! Online chat and instant messaging give you the opportunity to quickly and easily talk to your friends, unlike telephones, which are large and unwieldy. Here is a simulated online conversation between a friend and myself:
Friend: yo wuz up
Me: nuttin
Friend: u want 2c a movie l8r
Me: k
Friend: gg bye
NOTE: If you do not understand the previous passage, consider yourself lucky.
God bless you, Information Superhighway!
So instead of doing my homework and growing socially and emotionally, I am sitting in front of my computer screen waiting to here that I have mail. Instead, I have “Spam.” Spam is a like e-mail advertising, sent en masse to everyone whose address is on record with the sender. Thanks to Spam, I have made it to the top of a pyramid scheme, and have only days to wait before my checks start rolling in. In addition, I am well aware of all the sexually enhancing drugs available. Computers have scarred me for life. I hate computers.