You Can’t Spell “Narcissism” Without “C” and “M”
And Chris and Marc Can’t Even Spell It At All
After many wasted years talking online, we are more than qualified to speak (not out loud) about the trials and tribulations of online etiquette, protocol, and demeanor. By examining some of our finest moments, you too can become a power player in today’s fast-moving Digital Economy ©.
In this convo, or “conversation,” Marc sends an essay via e-mail for Chris to review and comment on
Marc: alright, did you get my essay?
Chris: yeah I just started looking at it
M: good to know
M: i expect a full review
M: or at least some gentle support
C: i’ll mail you a tissue
C: some charmin
M: that’s toilet paper, you monster
C: at the Vandegrift household, it’s all the same
And now the reverse…no tnemmoc dna weiver ot sirhC rof liam-e aiv yasse na sdnes craM
C: today’s your lucky day, cause the file is on my disk
M: damn it. i can’t believe i wasted my one lucky day on this
Online conversations can border on the depressing…often
M: i don’t know why anybody would attack you. you’re already set for selfdestruction
C: i’m a vortex of failure
After talking to somebody for an extended period of time, certain patterns in the discussion will begin to emerge
C: what do you do in the comp. control class?
M: it’s pretty cool. we design various things using CAD, such as tic-tac-toe boards, mazes, and chess pieces. then we have automated drills cut them out for us. that’s the phase we’re on right now, at least. later we’ll be making robots andanimatronics.
C: and then world domination
M: as time permits. first we have to make the stuffed animals dance
C: you’ll drill out a new world order
M: good joke, chris. you truly are a king among men
C: yes but around women, that’s another story
M: and now the jokes are even writing themselves
C: it’s a new aol feature actually
M: did you ever notice that all of our convos involve women or new aol features?
C: yeah. if only there were a way to combine the two!
Randomness: the last, best friend of a dying convo, or “conversation”
C: oh by the way, new character: scruffles the acrocat
M: agreed
C: the marketing potential is endless
M: and beginningless
M: did i hear something about el sexo having a show?
C: yeah you did, but if the flyers ever become a problem with the administration, el sexo is some indian kid in your math class
M: i thought him a spaniard. what kind of music are you playing?
C: acoustic rock and roll
M: never heard of it
M: so i got gamecube
C: hmm, you know it’s like the end of the world right on schedule. how do you like it?
M: i love it. super monkey ball is incredible
C: that’s a game? i wasn’t even informed
The digerati have created an entire lexicon for themselves, including the words “digerati” and “lexicon”
M: yeah, it was a good ep
C: cha?
M: “episode,” in industry “parlance”
C: oh “right”
M: i’m glad “you” understand
M: bill gates says that the future will be the wave of tomorrow
C: i’ll take the bus
Ponsie is the default unit of measurement for the new Digital Economy ©
C: what’s the props to ponsie exchange rate these days?
M: i thought we had it fixed with the euro
C: no wonder ponsie failed. but, wait a minute marc, i hear IBM has the tools to help companies like us thrive in the Digital Economy ©. Maybe we should give them a call
M: microsoft doesn’t steal ideas - they enact a paradigm shift in ownership
M: check out the prices to download these pdf’s from amazon
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/browse/-/660356/ref=br_bx_c_1_2/102-6541607-7218500
Pop culture: even online, an open target
C: yeah that magic lantern thing is pretty scary. i really have to find the people that name these things
C: i guess they think it’ll lessen the blow if it sounds like a playstation game
M: or a movie starring shaq
C: or a playstation game based on a movie starring shaq
M: or a movie starring shaq
C: or a playstation game based on a movie starring shaq
M: or a movie starring angelina jolie based on a playstation game based on a movie starring shaq
C: it’s really just a nintendo game about a talking hamburger that uses the power pad
M: i’m afraid that WE have become the avant-garde
C: well no, i don’t think we have, i mean i worry about myself sometimes, but I think we’ve mapped out a nice little niche for our stuff.
M: we’re tolerable
M: be careful what you wish for
C: case in point: new coke
C: despite the fact i wasn’t born yet
M: no, i think you were. wasn’t it late 80’s?
C: hmm…i thought it was early
C: marc i demand you google this
M: googling…
M: oh god
M: 1985
C: no, it’s worse than we ever imagined
M: how embarassing
C: right in the middle
M: let’s hope the paparazzi never pick this story up
C: let’s hope
M: i rarely say the word “hello” anymore. it’s usually a weird derivative
C: “ell”
M: actually, you see “‘elo!” in a lot of dickensian literature
C: yeah, shame it never caught on. kinda like ponsie i guess
C: i think it would be nice maybe to do a marc and chris retrospective one day, like a detailed list of every failed idea
M: i don’t think one day could cover it all. remember the book of adventures we were going to start on the last day of ninth grade?
C: how about a weekend symposium?
M: i demand breakfast be served
C: talk to my agent
M: fine, I’ll tell your mom tomorrow.
The internet is speeding life up so quickly, we can actually see into the future
C: hey
M: yo there
C: you’ve been doing the ‘yo’ thing a lot.
M: it’s mostly laziness
C: so what’s on marc’s agenda tonight?
M: well, i WOULD like a pizza right about now
C: you just read my mind
M: we should probably order one, but i’m SO lazy
C: yeah that’s always a problem. your laziness astounds me sometimes
M: i’d muster a reply, but…
C: i truly believe you’re laziness caused this recession, although i quess george w. is helping too much either
M: lately he’s been alright. i mean, his administration scares me with their civil rights stuff, but he hasn’t embarassed us
C: just wait marc, he’ll throw up on japan’s prime minister sooner or later
M: from across the globe
C: it’s a new form of missile defense
M: except offense
Much to chris and marc’s chagrin(s), it was reported no more than five minutes later that president bush had choked on a pretzel and momentarily fainted
C: fox newsblast: “president faints after choking on pretzel”
M: are you serious?
C: yeah it’s as if history is writing itself
M: the incident probably WAS scripted by an sophisticated humour-writing robot
M: letterman’s going to have a field day
C: so that’s where our tax money goes
M: what, letterman?
It’s pretty obvious that spelling and grammar aren’t important in our conversations, and here’s the proof::
M: we’re halfway done senior year
C: or is it halfway not done our senior year?
M: based on current standardized math test scores, i say we’re 1/3 not done
C: well that’s more indicative of our scores on current standardized math tests.
M: in the sense that your average teenager thinks 1/2 + 1/3 =1
C: well we’re still better than neshaminy
M: except at football
C: and keg parties
M: and math tests
C: so i know you’re excited about the first meeting of the rock and roll club
M: yeah, excited not to be going
C: well you’ll miss out on the refreshments that aren’t actually being served.
M: I can do that at home!
C: well maybe I could just attend on both our behalfs.
M: isn’t is behalves?
C: wow I guess neshaminy is ahead in english as well, at least according to scores on current standardized math tests
The l’il bugger is back!
M: tomorrow is just today’s tomorrow
M: do you like ben folds five?
C: eh
C: or should i say eh eh e
M: that’s like 2.5 ponsie, i guess
Sure, we may appear intelligent, but actually we’re just sophisticated humour writing robots
M: apparently scientists have created a pill that completely does away with your desire to sleep, like turning off a light.
C: i think we’re going to start reevaluating everyday bodily functions more and more
M: you’re a jack of all trades, provided of course that the trade is buffoonery
C: speaking of buffoonery, i might be headed to the hong kong king buffet this friday night.
M: that should be good. prepare to fight the crowds
C: yeah well as a member of Mickey Fame and the Bunch i’ve long been accustomed to raging crowd scenes.
M: like in “a hard day’s night,” but without all the fans, the music, or the fun
C: well…at least the food is good…oh wait
M: that reminds me: i was thinking of just writing an article about all the stereotypes in america that ARE true
C: you so funny!
M: i know, my wacky world view brings laughter to millions
C: if by ‘millions” you mean “3″, then i’d say yes marc, yes it does.
M: even the “laughter” was a bit generous
The love you take is equal to the love you make
M: is there a rapper called “the mad mixter” yet?
C: do I even have to answer that?
M: yes.